The Weight of the World...

Its interesting to go back and look into the blogs, and see how life has changed. I went from sitting pretty good, content with where I was, to once again, losing most everything. I still have a job, at least until Dec. 31, but I've lost the house, the bike, and the owners of said items are threatening legal action for late rent.
I'm back to living in a basement, this one unfinished, and anytime someone takes a bath or shower upstairs, the ceiling leaks. It is still better then the back of my truck or the hangar, so for that I'm thankful.

Fall and winter have always been difficult times of year for me, its almost a cycle, most bad things that happen, do so during these seasons, and I spend spring and summer trying to pick myself back up.

With how much has happened just this summer, it doesn't bode well for the colder months...

Life Marches On

So, its been awhile. I have a job now, which probably accounts for a lot of it. Then I'm also moving, renting a nice little house in Shakopee from the same folks I picked up the Sportster from. All and all, a busy time.

I think things are starting to come together, but I still feel like everything is balancing on a knifes edge. I will still probably turn in the Dakota to the bank, Its just an outrageous amount of money to pay every month for a truck I don't even like. Time will tell, and we shall see. I will contact a couple different banks on Monday about refinancing options, but the ex left my credit in such tatters, I don't hold out much hope for it. And with it so terrible anyhow, A repo on my record probably won't matter that much anyhow.

Oh, and I pick up the Siberian Husky pup with week also. The excitement continues!

Through Another's Eyes

"Your a Christian? Wow, I never would have guessed that!"

That was a wake up call I always was afraid would happen, and finally did. I was caught off guard, and in that instant my life, the way I live it, and how everyone sees me was laid bare. I can't remember a time I have felt quite so guilty, or embarrassed. The only thing I could do, was acknowledge my shortcomings on the way I live, and pray for the strength, wisdom and courage to do better in the future. It is written;

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:14-16

Sometimes we are put in a place, or given a chance to make a difference, although not just what we do in that moment is what makes the difference. Its all those smaller moments of living that have lead up to that chance, that can make an even bigger impact. And although you may speak well, if your life doesn't match your words, your standing on sand, as opposed to rock, when the flood comes.

It is a very sad, very humbling thing, to lose a chance to show someone Christ's love, not because you did not speak well, but because you did not live well.

Reboot.

So, I've finally gotten back to Minnesota from Fort Rucker, AL, and I've started working on the 72 Yamaha again. I think its destined to become a bobber at this point. The more I tear into it, the more I find wrong with it, so I think a frame off custom project is about the only thing left.
I found a company that makes hardtails for this frame type, they will even weld it all together for a reasonable price, although I think I might try to find some local talent to take on the challenge instead. We shall see.
Hopefully it will be ready to go by next years riding season!

Guidance

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
Brennan Manning


I was recently asked by a friend of mine how she could have a relationship with God. The words to tell her came easily to mind, I knew what I should say, and what to write.

It made me feel incredibly guilty.

For everything I would write to her, all the things that go along with a relationship with Christ, they were all things I wasn't even doing myself. Its a terrible feeling, to be in a position to help someone find the Lord, only to have them look at your own life, how you act, and wonder why there seems to be a double standard. There, of course, isn't one. Just hypocrisy. As it was written...

If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 1 John 1:6


I pray the words I wrote to her, will strike a cord in her heart, and God will give her sight to look past my life, and lead her to walk with Him. And I will continue to strive to live up to the standards put before me.


But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. 1 John 1:7

Disgusted.

How easy it is to do right, when you have nothing left to lose.

And how difficult it can be to stick by your faith and beliefs, as soon as you have the least bit to lose by it.

I know what right looks like, and I know how it feels when I do wrong. Even gray areas, if you stop and look a bit closer, really are not. I simply can't seem to make the leap between knowing, and doing. Everyday I do a thousand things that go against what I believe and know to be right, and I am jealous, and in awe, of those who are strong enough, to simply live right.
What does it take, to cross that threshold, to move into the line of fire, and take the heat? Or is it even as bad as my mind makes it out to be?
I have no idea, because I'm to fearful to even take that step. I am disgusted by myself, to know better, to realize every little thing I do for what it is, but be unwilling to fix it.
I am the worst kind of coward. I have no problem fighting in wars, taking lives, flying about the earth in equipment built by the lowest bidder, but I am paralyzed to so much as stand up for my own beliefs.

How do you fix something like that?

Today was Easter Sunday, the celebration of the greatest new beginning of all time.
I spent yesterday evening with Jen, and went with her and her family to church this morning. It was a good service, not as thought provoking as some of the services I've been to up north, but it was nice to be able to go to a service again. Its been about a month or so, with everything that has been going on in life. Strange, how as things get more difficult, we pull further away from the things that actually matter, and will help.
I've spent a good deal of this weekend in thought and prayer, but I'm not sure if I'm any closer to an answer yet. Only time will tell, but I still have faith.

Flashes

Stormchasing is an interesting and exciting hobby. Its also dangerous. So, naturally, I had to give it a go. Now, I'm not nearly smart enough to actually go ahead and prepare for such an adventure. I had no equipment beyond a GPS, and my truck. Not even my camera, which is still safely in a drawer, 1000 miles away.
I won't tell all the epic details of my adventure last night, mostly due to the fact I'm still tired from all the driving, but I will say this.

-Hail is not fun.
-Neither is flooded streets, where the water is up to the doors.
-Driving into a tornado warning area at night with no gear and little visability is not a good way to prolong your life expectancy.

I need sleep. Happy Easter everyone.

The Painful Daze Continues.

I really dislike this rollercoaster I have found myself on. I feel under attack, and torn apart, but I can't really even figure out why. I can think of plenty of reasons why I might feel this way, but before I seem to be able to grasp at the cause, it slips away, and I'm left as confused and hurt as before.
I've decided I need to get a better perspective on things, so I'm rereading the Bible from start to finish. I don't know if I've even ever managed to finish it all the way through before, but I need to do something.
So far, I've made it most of the way through Genesis, and for some reason thoughts and memories of my ex wife keep drifting into my mind. I know I screwed up that entire relationship long ago...
If this is going to be a teardown rebuild thing again, I just hope I'm strong enough to survive it. I'm already on my knees, but the blows keep coming...

In the Midst of the Storm

Sometimes, life leaves you on your knees, in the downpour, with lightning crashing around you, and thunder rocking the very foundation of your being, feeling broken and wasted, down to your very core.
I've been there before, I'm there again.
These last couple months have brought me to some of the happiest points I've been at for a long time, and shattered that high place to bring me crashing down to the lowest level I could imagine. And really, I have no one to blame for any of it, but myself.
Talking the talk, and walking the walk, are as ever, very different things. The smallest choice, and the least of missteps, can still take you off the edge of a very tall cliff.
Betrayal from someone you invested time, trust, and your heart in is a extremely painful thing. It can keep you awake at night, or eat at you throughout the day. It keeps you wondering, and second guessing things.

I am still hurt, and confused over this latest turn of events. I still feel lost, and unsure about a great deal of things. The only thing that hasn't changed, is God is still standing there, as He always has, waiting to take me back from where I've strayed.

I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I don't need to be broken to stop and listen for that still small voice.

The Greatest Distance

So that, " 'they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!' "
Mark 4:12


I think anger and resentment are not quite strong enough words to describe that feelings I had when I found out my ex-wife was leaving me, while I was overseas. It was a blow that cracked the entire structure of my world, to the point where at times I wondered if it would be better to be hit with an RPG, or taken down by small arms fire during a flight just to end the horrible pain the hole in my heart was causing me. Although the feelings lessened, they never really went away, even after I returned home.

Maybe part of the reason they lasted so long, is I had brought so much of it on myself.

Without delving too deeply into the details, its fair to say I initiated our downward spiral to divorce, and its possible that had I done things differently, it never would have come to ruin. We did both makes some very serious mistakes in that relationship, but without a doubt, I was the catalyst.

However, that didn't stop me from placing all the blame on her shoulders.

It can be a difficult thing to forgive someone, if you never take the time to sort out just what your forgiving them for. I know for me, before I could truly forgive my ex-wife, the Lord reminded me of just what I needed to ask forgiveness for. And I will tell you this, when the dust settled from that conversation between the King and I, The list of things I had to forgive her for had shrunk quite a bit, and my own record of transgressions had grown much larger.

The simplest things can be the most difficult. Its much easier to try to just forgive others, then forgive ourselves, and I think that is because to ask for forgiveness, you need to confront, and accept that which you did, to require the forgiveness.

The greatest distance I have found, is going from standing proud, to on your knees, asking for forgiveness with a willing heart. But its also one of the most worthwhile.


"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9

Boots on the Ground

Its the New Year now, and and along with remembering what an interesting, and difficult year 2008 was, I also turn my thoughts toward what 2009 might bring. A lot of changes, I have no doubt, but some new opportunities also.
A week or so ago, I had been looking through the boxes my soon to be ex-wife had left me, trying to find a pair of boots. I hadn't seen or worn these boots in quite awhile, but they are a special pair, and I was hoping they had not been thrown out in sorting.
You see, I have had this old set of leather boots for a long time. They arn't very pretty, but they are well worn in, and sort of unique. They have no laces, just a leather strap that wraps around the ankle to secure them to the foot. I've never even seen them outside of military, and even then, the only ones authorized to wear them are those who serve in Armor. I earned the right to wear this pair of Tanker boots after my first successful Table 8, down in Fort Benning GA, they served me faithfully in combat, when we deployed and fought in OIF, during the initial push in 2003. This pair of boots has been to more countries, then most people I know.
In 2004, I left Active Duty, and joined the Guard, in my home state of Minnesota, and the boots came with me.
I retired the boots from military service, but they found a new purpose, and a new life. Riding boots. Although the toe is a little high, and the heels are worn down to near nothing, these boots are broke in, and have served faithfully through crashes, Flintstones style braking, and long, long walks back to base with a broken bike.
Will they ever wear out? Possibly. But until that day comes, they'll be protecting my feet from whatever flies up from the road, keeping me walking and riding a straight and narrow path, and reminding me that,
"... you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life."
Psalm 56:13