Disgusted.

How easy it is to do right, when you have nothing left to lose.

And how difficult it can be to stick by your faith and beliefs, as soon as you have the least bit to lose by it.

I know what right looks like, and I know how it feels when I do wrong. Even gray areas, if you stop and look a bit closer, really are not. I simply can't seem to make the leap between knowing, and doing. Everyday I do a thousand things that go against what I believe and know to be right, and I am jealous, and in awe, of those who are strong enough, to simply live right.
What does it take, to cross that threshold, to move into the line of fire, and take the heat? Or is it even as bad as my mind makes it out to be?
I have no idea, because I'm to fearful to even take that step. I am disgusted by myself, to know better, to realize every little thing I do for what it is, but be unwilling to fix it.
I am the worst kind of coward. I have no problem fighting in wars, taking lives, flying about the earth in equipment built by the lowest bidder, but I am paralyzed to so much as stand up for my own beliefs.

How do you fix something like that?

Today was Easter Sunday, the celebration of the greatest new beginning of all time.
I spent yesterday evening with Jen, and went with her and her family to church this morning. It was a good service, not as thought provoking as some of the services I've been to up north, but it was nice to be able to go to a service again. Its been about a month or so, with everything that has been going on in life. Strange, how as things get more difficult, we pull further away from the things that actually matter, and will help.
I've spent a good deal of this weekend in thought and prayer, but I'm not sure if I'm any closer to an answer yet. Only time will tell, but I still have faith.

Flashes

Stormchasing is an interesting and exciting hobby. Its also dangerous. So, naturally, I had to give it a go. Now, I'm not nearly smart enough to actually go ahead and prepare for such an adventure. I had no equipment beyond a GPS, and my truck. Not even my camera, which is still safely in a drawer, 1000 miles away.
I won't tell all the epic details of my adventure last night, mostly due to the fact I'm still tired from all the driving, but I will say this.

-Hail is not fun.
-Neither is flooded streets, where the water is up to the doors.
-Driving into a tornado warning area at night with no gear and little visability is not a good way to prolong your life expectancy.

I need sleep. Happy Easter everyone.

The Painful Daze Continues.

I really dislike this rollercoaster I have found myself on. I feel under attack, and torn apart, but I can't really even figure out why. I can think of plenty of reasons why I might feel this way, but before I seem to be able to grasp at the cause, it slips away, and I'm left as confused and hurt as before.
I've decided I need to get a better perspective on things, so I'm rereading the Bible from start to finish. I don't know if I've even ever managed to finish it all the way through before, but I need to do something.
So far, I've made it most of the way through Genesis, and for some reason thoughts and memories of my ex wife keep drifting into my mind. I know I screwed up that entire relationship long ago...
If this is going to be a teardown rebuild thing again, I just hope I'm strong enough to survive it. I'm already on my knees, but the blows keep coming...

In the Midst of the Storm

Sometimes, life leaves you on your knees, in the downpour, with lightning crashing around you, and thunder rocking the very foundation of your being, feeling broken and wasted, down to your very core.
I've been there before, I'm there again.
These last couple months have brought me to some of the happiest points I've been at for a long time, and shattered that high place to bring me crashing down to the lowest level I could imagine. And really, I have no one to blame for any of it, but myself.
Talking the talk, and walking the walk, are as ever, very different things. The smallest choice, and the least of missteps, can still take you off the edge of a very tall cliff.
Betrayal from someone you invested time, trust, and your heart in is a extremely painful thing. It can keep you awake at night, or eat at you throughout the day. It keeps you wondering, and second guessing things.

I am still hurt, and confused over this latest turn of events. I still feel lost, and unsure about a great deal of things. The only thing that hasn't changed, is God is still standing there, as He always has, waiting to take me back from where I've strayed.

I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I don't need to be broken to stop and listen for that still small voice.