Broken

     I spoke with a brother in arms of mine from back in my Armor days last night, for the first time in almost ten years.  He had found me on Facebook, and we messaged back and forth a bit.
    The topic turned almost immediately to our deployment in 2003, the war we fought in together, and the effect it has had on both of us since.  It was the first time in many years I had dredged up those memories, and it was like ripping the scab off of a wound that had never fully healed.  I probably spoke more openly about that time period and its aftereffects then I have in years, if ever.  And I am not sure I even said that much.
    After talking a bit, I started to feel a bit like I had gotten off lucky over the years, that I had weathered the storm physically, and mentally better then many of my comrades.  That I came away from that conflict without a problem.
 
  But then I started to think about it.

I withdrew emotionally from everyone, and self destructed my marriage.  But I don't have a problem.

I couldn't find the focus to go to college, or even figure out a career path.  I just coasted along, without drive, or purpose.  But I don't have a problem.

I fixated on lost causes, and projects, and concentrated to heavily on little things, so I never had to look at the big picture, or the future.  But I don't have a problem.

I live my life as a hermit, working third shift, never going out.  I have no close friends, I confide in no one.  I drink every weekend, in my house in the woods, alone.  But I don't have a problem.

I have a problem.

The problem is, I am broken.  And I don't even realize it.

Boxed Memories

So, the other day I was frantically looking through some old boxes searching for a bit of misplaced paperwork. While I was at it, I decided I may as well do some sorting, and try to get rid of a bunch old old stuff I wasn't ever going to use anymore. I am easily halfway to a hoarder, and I will keep anything I think I might someday perhaps need. The six file boxes of old papers alone are a shining example of such.
As I was looking, I ran across a large old envelope. It looked innocent enough, so I opened it.

Oh, sneaky envelope, there will be a rematch. And when it happens, I am tagging in the burn barrel.

Inside the deceitful paper carrier, was a few old pictures taken just after I was married, and the marriage certificate itself. This surprised me, as I thought I had safely stowed away all related items of that period in my life in a secure shoebox. Apparently not.
I sat awhile looking at the photos. It was my new wife and I, posing in front of my nearly as new truck. I looked at myself, who in turn seemed to be looking at me, and I recalled who I was back then. I think the best way I could sum it up, is that I was a ball of pride, selfishness, and anger. And then I looked at her, a picture of a sweet, innocent girl, a big smile on her face, having fallen for and married a guy who could do her no good.
Looking back, I think she must have known what I was. I wonder if she was able to see past all that, to a spark of something she felt was worth giving her love too. I truly wish I could have lived up to whatever potential she saw in me back then.

It was been almost a decade since that photo was taken, and so much has changed since then. It has only been in the last year or two I have been able to find a bit of direction, and start plotting out a new course. I have a good steady job, and have applied to a bible college, with an eye on seminary.

I have kept that photo on my desk for near a week, looking at it, and thinking. I believe it is time for me to locate the secure shoebox, and place these photos with the rest. Their time is long past, and I think I have learned whatever lessons I will from the discovery.

I have no idea what kind of person she is now, but I hope the girl she was, in that photo from so long ago, would be smiling at the new course of my life, and wishing me well onto the next adventure.

It's been Awhile.

So, here I am again writing. I'm in a much different place, then when I started this blog. I have a stable job, I own a house. Still have the same truck, sadly, and currently, no bike. But I'm surviving on what I have. What is killing me though, is not having that other half. Choices down here are slim, and they wern't the best in the north either. I think my best shot was the girl I met in Ireland, but even that wasn't the best match up, for various reasons.
Paul says its better to not marry, to be single and devote yourself fully to God. I wish I could, but I am carrying a pain, that just isn't going away. Not sure what to do with it, or what I even can do with it.

Guess its going to just be a wait and see sort of thing.

The Weight of the World...

Its interesting to go back and look into the blogs, and see how life has changed. I went from sitting pretty good, content with where I was, to once again, losing most everything. I still have a job, at least until Dec. 31, but I've lost the house, the bike, and the owners of said items are threatening legal action for late rent.
I'm back to living in a basement, this one unfinished, and anytime someone takes a bath or shower upstairs, the ceiling leaks. It is still better then the back of my truck or the hangar, so for that I'm thankful.

Fall and winter have always been difficult times of year for me, its almost a cycle, most bad things that happen, do so during these seasons, and I spend spring and summer trying to pick myself back up.

With how much has happened just this summer, it doesn't bode well for the colder months...

Life Marches On

So, its been awhile. I have a job now, which probably accounts for a lot of it. Then I'm also moving, renting a nice little house in Shakopee from the same folks I picked up the Sportster from. All and all, a busy time.

I think things are starting to come together, but I still feel like everything is balancing on a knifes edge. I will still probably turn in the Dakota to the bank, Its just an outrageous amount of money to pay every month for a truck I don't even like. Time will tell, and we shall see. I will contact a couple different banks on Monday about refinancing options, but the ex left my credit in such tatters, I don't hold out much hope for it. And with it so terrible anyhow, A repo on my record probably won't matter that much anyhow.

Oh, and I pick up the Siberian Husky pup with week also. The excitement continues!

Through Another's Eyes

"Your a Christian? Wow, I never would have guessed that!"

That was a wake up call I always was afraid would happen, and finally did. I was caught off guard, and in that instant my life, the way I live it, and how everyone sees me was laid bare. I can't remember a time I have felt quite so guilty, or embarrassed. The only thing I could do, was acknowledge my shortcomings on the way I live, and pray for the strength, wisdom and courage to do better in the future. It is written;

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:14-16

Sometimes we are put in a place, or given a chance to make a difference, although not just what we do in that moment is what makes the difference. Its all those smaller moments of living that have lead up to that chance, that can make an even bigger impact. And although you may speak well, if your life doesn't match your words, your standing on sand, as opposed to rock, when the flood comes.

It is a very sad, very humbling thing, to lose a chance to show someone Christ's love, not because you did not speak well, but because you did not live well.

Reboot.

So, I've finally gotten back to Minnesota from Fort Rucker, AL, and I've started working on the 72 Yamaha again. I think its destined to become a bobber at this point. The more I tear into it, the more I find wrong with it, so I think a frame off custom project is about the only thing left.
I found a company that makes hardtails for this frame type, they will even weld it all together for a reasonable price, although I think I might try to find some local talent to take on the challenge instead. We shall see.
Hopefully it will be ready to go by next years riding season!